Have You Ever Thought About Community?
Why we choose to participate in it or not and how it benefits us?
“Every person is defined by the communities she belongs to.” — Orson Scott Card
We are who we surround ourselves with.
I’ve heard this referenced before. I’ve never really stopped to think about it until recent years. Which is around the same time I began shifting who I associated with and focusing on surrounding myself with people that support my internal values and beliefs.
I mean, we don’t want to surround ourselves with the exact same copy of ourselves. That would be a bit limiting. Instead, think of it as supporting and challenging your inner self to be the best version it’s capable of.
We have the capability to encourage and push ourselves. However, a community has the potential to push and encourage us even more than we thought we could. The community will likely ask of us things we hadn’t thought to ask ourselves.
We can all achieve great things, both on our own and with a community.
I am a pretty individualistic person. I think most of society now is too. I’m not sure whether mine stems from being an introvert, how much I’ve moved around, or from society’s view on “going it alone.”
I mean, I grew up with friends and completing group activities. I volunteered and went on mission trips. I played volleyball and softball, both requiring a team atmosphere. I haven’t lacked a sense of community and helping others.
Yet, there’s still a good portion of my 20s where I wasn’t really interested in being part of a community. It’s interesting now to look back and figure out why that was.
For one, I think better in my head than talking aloud to others. In fact, brainstorming out loud actually hinders my thought process. The idea of brainstorming with a group of people is just irksome to me. This means gathering with people to figure out a common problem is extremely tiring to even think about.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy working with teams. But, I’d rather everyone just brainstorm on their own and then we all gather together with our pre-determined ideas. So when initially thinking of working with a community, this doesn’t really come to mind as a possibility.
Then there’s the fact that I moved multiple times a year through my mid to late 20s to various cities. That makes it really hard to connect with a group of people. I managed to make long-lasting friendships with one or 2 people in each place I lived, but not really a community.
I also got divorced around this time. Everyone who was a supposed friend ended up not really being a friend. The close-knit community I had become a part of in my early 20s dissolved overnight. As you might imagine, I wasn’t very trusting of people’s intentions after that and I wasn’t too excited about getting overly invested with a group of people.
As you can see, there are various factors contributing to that period of time where I didn’t want to belong to a community.
I had a bit of a need to figure out who I was. I couldn’t belong or get involved with a community until I knew who I was and what I stood for.
Otherwise, I’d likely just end up in the wrong group again that would disappear again when it got hard. That’s not really the group I’m going for in my life.
There’s a bit of figuring out what matters to you.
Fast forward to my later 20s, where I stumbled upon my first form of community. I had finally settled in a city where I was hoping to live for some time. I wanted longer-term friends and some form of consistency with the place I lived.
This also coincided with a bit of me figuring out who I am and what I stand for. I finally understood my values. Not the values society taught me growing up. Not the values of my elementary school teachers or my parents. The values I developed based on my experiences, my individual education, and my desire to learn.
Prior to this, I always had the same thought about donating time or money. I still donated, but still had this same thought. How does anyone pick what to donate to? There are so many needs and they all have a purpose and are deserving, but how do people pick?
We kind of have to figure ourselves out based on our life experiences. I finally somewhat understood. It’s a bit of the same when engaging with and becoming involved in a community.
Which I stumbled upon mine, but it was also very much in line with my values. So maybe it wasn’t stumbling at all?
A friend asked me to help with volunteers and coordinate them for an event. I’m good at coordinating, so why not?
Helping others creates a focus on something bigger than ourselves.
I had forgotten how nice it is to have people to rely on. I had gotten really used to taking care of myself and not being able to ask for help. It was only me, so I had to figure it out. Once I got involved though, there were people there who were happy to help and in the weirdest ways. I needed a notary out of the blue to come to the house last minute, a friend was there to help figure it out.
It feels good to feel needed and be a part of something bigger than yourself. Sure it’s nice to know you can be self-sufficient and take care of yourself. It’s also very rewarding to know you can take care of someone else and help them.
“Helping others is the way we help ourselves.” Oprah Winfrey
Helping others allows us to escape our own problems, in a healthy way. It creates focus on something, maybe, more important than our own issues. It’s a reminder that we’re not alone in our struggles. We have different struggles, but we all have struggles.
One of the most important gifts I received was support and encouragement. I had gotten through a divorce and had to pick myself up. I did. I built my self-esteem back and learned to be kind to myself. But I needed help, and often times that came from my therapist and one or 2 other individuals. I was missing that pick me up and I didn’t realize it until I found it again.
This was also something I didn’t realize I was missing in the workplace. I had been working in a bit of a toxic industry where “no praise” is praise. What is that even? Anyways, there really wasn’t any support for what I was doing. I entered a bit of gaslighting which was completely the opposite of a supportive community. Needless to say, I was definitely missing support in my work “community.”
When I left engineering to become an entrepreneur, I thought I was just escaping that environment. I didn’t realize I was coming into an incredibly supportive community. Up until this point, I just assumed the work environment was never really going to be supportive. That we all just had to duke it out for ourselves. You know, “every woman for herself” type of thing.
I was a bit shocked and surprised by the support from this new community, in a good way. The incredible thing is, most of these people I’ve never met. They’re rooting for me without even knowing me.
So yes, it is possible to have a good, supportive community in both your work and personal life.
While it is nice to be able to rely on yourself, being able to rely on others is also nice. Plus a community gives you so much more than just support. It’s a way of life. It’s a way to challenge and raise up your beliefs. It’s a group to hold you accountable for who you want to be in this world.
If you haven’t found your community yet, it exists, you just need to find yourself first.
